Oh dang, not another one of those whiny posts ? What on earth have I done to Cthulhu to be graced with such a prolific mind in the complaining department ?
Don’t worry, I will try not to complain too much even if it’s my life motto.
You know what ? Talking to a therapist might not be such a good idea after all because I still hide many things from her. And even though I tell a lot of things to her, there are still thoughts and memories that I don’t dare talking about. And I always leave with this unachieved taste in my mouth which starts this downward spiral in my mind that ends with feeling more depressed, more helpless and more annoyed.
I truly mastered the “I am happy” face.
These past weeks haven’t been as good as I had hoped. I am not hoping for a miracle or anything, I’m just feeling so not interested in anything productive. I just want to drown my mind into parallel universes where everything is wonderful and sunshine and happy. Or video games. Although I can now control my daily intake of pixels, I still have a hard time setting my mind on something that is productive and not useless.
It is of the utmost importance that I read this list about unknown facts about Medieval history even though I will never make use of it.
– Hey it’s 2 am, why not try sleeping?
– Are you kidding ? I saw this great link earlier about an innocent man who has been convicted twice !!!
– Oh yeah I really need to read that
– Hey, have you heard about this web comic ? It looks great !
– But it’s 3 am, don’t you wanna sleep ?
– Sleep is for the dead go read it !!!
– Okay but not too long
– Oh my god this is so great, I need to read it until my eyes fall off !
Please self, stop doing that, I beg you.
I started a new round of ateliers and shit with pole emploi, and it needs me to make spontaneous applications and shit, along with workshops and all.
But I’m still so afraid of rejection that I’m just meh about it. I need to work this with myself but I find it hard to find motivation for it when I’m not even sure I want to go into this field.
They also tried to put me in the commercial secretary field.. LOL No fucking way.
I’m thinking more and more about tutoring students with their English, helping people refresh their English and I don’t know. I’m looking into it to do it legally. I know a couple of persons who would be interested.
Why have I never thought about it earlier, that is the question.
I’ve also been busy filling forms and writing letters for my aunt. My handicapped cousin is currently in an institution in Belgium, and we have countless problems with them. He had to be taken to the hospital more than once since he’s been there. The last time was because they gave him someone else’s prescription. So he ingested a couple of anti-psychotics, valium, anti-schizophrenics and all that jazz. Since he weighs 42kgs, he was immediately knocked out and had to be taken to intensive care.
Since then we have reached an association that is helping us finding a new institution that’s closer and that doesn’t mistreat their patients.
It is a long, hard battle that is starting, and I already filled 4 applications, wrote a couple of letters and all. Wish us luck.
You can find informations about his institution in this Libé dossier
Oh yeah, about that title. I just realised that it’s been 10 years since I dropped out of college (my fault, I didn’t try hard enough) and landed in a pit of despair that lasted too long.
I didn’t want to help myself all these years. I was content wallowing in my own misery, well, not happy, but at the time I just didn’t have any solution to the problems that arose. And all my mind was set to do was blanking, waiting, drifting on the makeshift raft that was my life. And just like people born on a 29th of Feb celebrating their birthday every leap year, I am the person with a leap life, stalling it for 10 years and finally waking up and trying to get it back on tracks, little by little.
I feel so ashamed to have wasted so many years on this bullshit mind of mine. But at least I’m working on it now.