Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

No, the title isn’t foreshadowing some gruesome destiny for me, don’t worry. I just liked the sound of it for a new title !

So much to say, so little time. I keep getting sidetracked by a myriad of other things to do, like writing a cover letter for a potential job, running left and right to assist family, learning to sew and actually sewing, which takes quite some time.
No I’m still not dead, even if the thought of it still has some charm to me, but much much less than months before.
I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s really dim, but it’s there. I must try my hardest to reach it though, which is what I am currently doing.
I was writing my cover letter and just thought “Oh I haven’t updated my blog in so fucking long, let’s do this !”
Good old me, never satisfied with doing only one task !

Last month I applied to be an anglophone speaker to teach English to kids during the afternoon activities at school. So it’s not a real teaching job, it’s a funnier and less strict thing. Got an interview an everything went well, they told me they’d reach out to me when they need me but I still haven’t heard from them.
And today I gave my application to the town’s education departments to assist during the NAP activities in the schools, I’ll hear from them if they need me, so, que sera sera !
It’s completely different from what I imagined I wanted to do, but I’m tired of not finding my calling and not earning my bread. And even though the pay will be quite small, I will deserve what I will earn, and it will not be given to me just because.

There, that’s all I had to say today, not that much in the end.
I wish I had the desire to write more regularly but I get sidetracked so easily and I forget so easily. Plus it’s not as if I had a super interesting life these past months, so yeah.

Kissu

 

Read More

22629080239_8ea00bf85c_o

Leap year, leap life

Oh dang, not another one of those whiny posts ? What on earth have I done to Cthulhu to be graced with such a prolific mind in the complaining department ?

Don’t worry, I will try not to complain too much even if it’s my life motto.

You know what ? Talking to a therapist might not be such a good idea after all because I still hide many things from her. And even though I tell a lot of things to her, there are still thoughts and memories that I don’t dare talking about. And I always leave with this unachieved taste in my mouth which starts this downward spiral in my mind that ends with feeling more depressed, more helpless and more annoyed.
I truly mastered the “I am happy” face.

These past weeks haven’t been as good as I had hoped. I am not hoping for a miracle or anything, I’m just feeling so not interested in anything productive. I just want to drown my mind into parallel universes where everything is wonderful and sunshine and happy. Or video games. Although I can now control my daily intake of pixels, I still have a hard time setting my mind on something that is productive and not useless.
It is of the utmost importance that I read this list about unknown facts about Medieval history even though I will never make use of it.
– Hey it’s 2 am, why not try sleeping?
– Are you kidding ? I saw this great link earlier about an innocent man who has been convicted twice !!!
– Oh yeah I really need to read that

– Hey, have you heard about this web comic ? It looks great !
– But it’s 3 am, don’t you wanna sleep ?
– Sleep is for the dead go read it !!!
– Okay but not too long
….
– Oh my god this is so great, I need to read it until my eyes fall off !

Please self, stop doing that, I beg you.

 

I started a new round of ateliers and shit with pole emploi, and it needs me to make spontaneous applications and shit, along with workshops and all.
But I’m still so afraid of rejection that I’m just meh about it. I need to work this with myself but I find it hard to find motivation for it when I’m not even sure I want to go into this field.
They also tried to put me in the commercial secretary field.. LOL No fucking way.

I’m thinking more and more about tutoring students with their English, helping people refresh their English and I don’t know. I’m looking into it to do it legally. I know a couple of persons who would be interested.
Why have I never thought about it earlier, that is the question.

 

I’ve also been busy filling forms and writing letters for my aunt. My handicapped cousin is currently in an institution in Belgium, and we have countless problems with them. He had to be taken to the hospital more than once since he’s been there. The last time was because they gave him someone else’s prescription. So he ingested a couple of anti-psychotics, valium, anti-schizophrenics and all that jazz. Since he weighs 42kgs, he was immediately knocked out and had to be taken to intensive care.
Since then we have reached an association that is helping us finding a new institution that’s closer and that doesn’t mistreat their patients.
It is a long, hard battle that is starting, and I already filled 4 applications, wrote a couple of letters and all. Wish us luck.
You can find informations about his institution in this Libé dossier

Oh yeah, about that title. I just realised that it’s been 10 years since I dropped out of college (my fault, I didn’t try hard enough) and landed in a pit of despair that lasted too long.
I didn’t want to help myself all these years. I was content wallowing in my own misery, well, not happy, but at the time I just didn’t have any solution to the problems that arose. And all my mind was set to do was blanking, waiting, drifting on the makeshift raft that was my life. And just like people born on a 29th of Feb celebrating their birthday every leap year, I am the person with a leap life, stalling it for 10 years and finally waking up and trying to get it back on tracks, little by little.
I feel so ashamed to have wasted so many years on this bullshit mind of mine. But at least I’m working on it now.

So yay.

Read More

Fucking people

I’m fucking baffled by the reaction of some people.
You mind your own business, watching TV with your aunt when someone knocks at the window, it’s a migrant, it’s super cold outside, he says that he’s hungry, at first you’re scared but then you realise those guys must be even more scared than you. You’re in your warm little house, watching TV and they’re outside in the cold. You had a good meal and they’ve been walking for hours in the cold, with their empty stomachs, of course they’re gonna knock where they see lights, asking for some food.
So you do what any normal person would do, you find something to give to them, a banana, some stale bread cause you didn’t buy any today, a bunch of packaged cheese slices cause it won’t perish soon. And you give it to them, cause he’s not alone, they’re 3, a middle aged man and two younger men. You call them, they come back, you give them the food and they say “thank you so much, thank you!’ And you say “Good luck” to them, cause they’re gonna need it, between the war and their former life that they had to flee, the long journey they had to take to come here, the family they had to abandon to take their chance here, the cold that must be numbing them, the agressive welcome they’re given by the racist country you’re in, the desperation from being stuck at the border of the country you’re aiming for, parked with thousands of other people in the same situation.
These people, who think that they are good people, what do they do ? They call the fucking police cause they’re fucking scared about 3 poor saps asking for fucking food in the night. Daring to knock on your door.
Then they text your cousin who’s somewhere else at a party, telling her that you gave food to 3 migrants, because that’s sooo bad, and they’re gonna come back.

Mind your own fucking business you asshole, stay in your little house and stay scared, and keep it to yourself you fucking egoist.

Read More

2015-08-21 11.19.03

What do ?

Got my Pole emploi appointment a couple weeks ago. Nothing really changed. I am still listed as searching a job as a secretary/assistant. I tried to talk to my counselor about my different wishes: going into translation, maybe going back to school to finish/get my degree. Or be an English teacher, but not at a school, it would be more like a trainer, who helps adults getting their bases back and improving their existent English. But that would mean interacting with humans, and I don’t know if I can handle that too much.
People advise me to go into tourism cause I can speak the language but the more I think about it and the less I wanna go there. It would mean interacting with people, a shit load of people, and that would be too much for me.
I would like something chill where I would only interact with a couple of people, where I wouldn’t have to force myself to be pleasant and available.
I already have to do that every night greeting my cousin’s clients and it’s taking a toll on me. My cheerfulness is slowly turning into cheerlessness.

I hate being so picky about this, who am I to have such demands ? UGH.

I am still feeling so lost in this and the counselor is not of great help, especially when you try to turn to a bilingual environment.

I also applied for a secretary position at a school where I live. I am still waiting for a call to set an interview date. wish me luck !

I am also seeing a therapist, after all these years in emotional and psychological limbo. It is such a relief to finally be able to pour all my emotions out of my head. To put words and tears on all my sufferings.
At least I have someone to talk to.

 

It’s been more than a year since I’ve moved here and I still have to make friends with people. Being the misanthropist that I am, I am having a hard time adapting to the mentality here. The people here are so shallow and so eager to criticize people about their looks, their jobs, their whatever they’re doing. Who fucking cares ?
Also, they really listen to shitty music and read the worst books (50 shades and other nonsense), I feel like I am in an intellectual desert. I know I haven’t met the right people, but where do I have to go to find people whom I can click with ? Ahhhhjhjh

Well at least the scenery here is beautiful 😌

Read More

Mourrance

Ah tiens c’est vrai j’ai un blog…. Qui ne sert à rien et que personne ne lit de toute manière.

Bonne occasion de déverser mon vomi mental.

J’ai passé le toeic et j’ai eu 990 sur 990. How fucking wonderful that I got a certification for my own personal pleasure that will never be of use to me. I am feeling as hopeless as last year, it’s been a year since I’ve come to my aunt’s and nothing has changed. I am still the fucking parasitic dumbass that I was. What was the fucking point of coming here, I knew that it would be difficult but I didn’t realise that I would revert to my old ways of hating myself and wanting to die. I see the gazes and snickers aimed at me. I hear you criticizing me behind my back. I fucking hate it, not feeling included even though I am trying to include myself. Ughhshhshshshshshshshhgh 

Emo diary part 1.

Read More

Plonger dans le grand bain

It’s already been 2 weeks since I started my TOEIC training session, 3 weeks to go and it will be time to take the test.
I am not that worried about it, the practice tests the trainer has given us gave me outstanding results (look at me, praising my self like a pompous ass). The training has been really beneficial to me, getting back into a work schedule is good, maybe this time I’ll keep the schedule and will stop being a night owl.

The trainer is also helping us find our path in life, which is super nice of her. She really cares about us and wants to bring the best in us, which is something that’s really hard to find around here. It’s really something different than the production line that is the Poule Emploi. I finally feel like I am an individual with a personality and a past and not some random number that you must force into employment at all costs.
I have applied to a BTS Tourism training, with a professionalization contract, half courses, half work. I hope it will follow through and that I’ll be selected. At least I tried, which is not something I would have normally done. I’m most of the time too afraid of failure that I end up not doing it in the end.

So yay me, and please cross your fingers for me !

Read More

DSC00164

C’est mal parti ..

Hahaha allez encore une dizaine de jours et ça aurait fait un mois que je n’aurais rien posté sur le blog.

Non pas que les idées me manquent, au contraire, je pars dans tous les sens et ne parviens pas à me retenir, je suis une éjaculatrice précoce de la plume, ou plutôt du clavier.
Ajoutons à cela le stress de la vie de parasite social, les rdv pôle emplôa, la terreur du CV vide, la peur de la psychologue du travail, le cerveau en ébullition qui t’empêche de dormir, la frayeur de ne jamais trouver sa voie, de boulot, d’appart, de vie. AHHHHH. Bref la mourrance.

Je suis toujours en tentative de reconstruction sociale et mentale, pas évident de vivre avec un cerveau qui t’envoie sans cesses des piques “de toute façon t’y arriveras pas, t’es qu’une loque, une nulle, tu sers à rien.”
Bien que j’ai pu acquérir moultes compétences grâce à mes années d’internette, je suis la personnification du doute et de l’auto-flagellation.
Il y a un forum de l’emploi ce mercredi et je suis déjà en train de mourir, à petit feu.

Sinon pour la minute humiliation: Lorsque j’étais en primaire, disons cm1/cm2 (Les classes doubles des campagnes), la maîtresse nous demandait à tous ce que nous désirerions faire lorsque nous serions grands. Mon ambition à l’époque me fit répondre de suite: “ASTRONAUTE OU PILOTE D’AVION”.
Oui je faisais déjà fi des cases dans lesquelles on rangeait les filles “Tu seras infirmière, mère, maîtresse etc. ma fille !” Que nenni, je voulais de l’action et du rêve !
Rêve que fût quelque peu brisé par un groupe de garçons qui se mit à rire aux éclats: “Hahaha mais l’avion il décollera même pas !!!”
/sadface

Vas bien niquer tes morts Jean-George.

Read More

reinedecuir

Humiliation O’Clock 1

J’avais dit que je ne partirai pas dans le personnel mais en fait si, rien à foutre. À force de réfléchir à ce que j’allais bien pouvoir mettre dans ce blog, plein de souvenirs d’humiliations passées sont revenus. Bien sûr ce ne sont que de petites piques comme ça par ci, par là, mais elles ont quand même compté pour moi vu que je m’en souviens quand même après 20 ans.

Pour remettre dans le contexte, je ne me trouve pas haut dans l’échelle sociale, j’ai eu le malheur d’être une enfant obèse qui est devenue une femme obèse. Malgré mon poids je ne pèse pas lourd sur la balance de la valeur “humaine”. Il est bien connu que les gros sont horribles et dégoûtants et ne servent à rien. Chose que l’on m’a fait comprendre année après année.

Je vais donc essayer de raconter au compte-goutte toutes ces humiliations passées que j’ai gardées enfouies en moi toutes ces années, ce qui aura, je l’espère, un effet cathartique.

Première anecdote donc, je dois être en ce2 ou cm1, c’est la récré, on s’amuse dans la cour, c’est la fête youpi !
Je ne me souviens plus de la discussion qu’il y avait, si discussion il y avait, tu ne parles pas des méditations métaphysiques pendant la récré quand t’as 8/9 ans. On en vient à parler de futur imaginaire dans lequel je serais mariée à je ne me souviens plus qui, un ptit blond gringalet. Idée qui fait rire l’assemblée et qui fait réagir un petit rigolo :”Mais tu ferais quoi avec elle ? Du trampoline sur son ventre le soir ?” Rires généralisés.
Mort de lol et de honte.

Notons d’ailleurs que cette année là, j’ai joué la Reine de Coeur lors d’une scène d’Alice au Pays des Merveilles à la kermesse de fin d’année, j’étais idéale pour le rôle.

Bref merci la vie.

Read More

2015-03-21-13.00.56

Des photos de merde pour un blog de merde.

Non je n’ai toujours pas posté, non pas que les idées me manquent, c’est juste que ça part dans des délires egocentriques dans lesquels je raconte ma vie, et je me suis jurée de ne pas raconter ma vie sur mon blog de type public.
Même si c’est un peu anonyme et tout, je préfère ne point trop en dévoiler afin qu’on ne puisse me reconnaître. (Oui je tiens à séparer mon moi de l’internette et mon moi de la vraie vie.)

Bref tout ça pour dire qu’aujourd’hui c’était la super marée la vie, je me suis donc dit “Tiens, si au lieu de jouer à un jeu nul t’allais voir la nature et prendre un peu l’air?”

tide
J’en ai profité pour prendre mon vieil appareil photo pourri et mon GSM afin de prendre plein de clichés dignes de tata Ginette !

(more…)

Read More

WoWScrnShot_031315_011112

L’importance d’être constante

Je pense que ce blog est le 5165ème que j’ouvre, le dernier était sensé être un blog de reviews de dramas coréens, en collaboration avec Mélanie (coucou !).

Comme d’habitude, je ne finis pas ce que je fais, c’est une constante chez moi, une vocation, je fais en sorte d’abandonner minutieusement chaque projet que j’entreprends. À quoi bon ? Je vais de toute évidence me planter, mieux vaut arrêter de suite avant trop m’investir ou ça risque de me blesser.

Soit.

Tout ça pour dire que ceci est le premier post, que j’aimerais bien continuer à écrire, mais que pour l’instant, j’ai des mobs à aller défoncer dans World of Warcraft.

Bisous.

Read More